Elyse's story page
Chapter One: Road Trip to No Where "Come on everyone, we need to get this selfie perfected before we get going!" Corey was beginning to get agitated. This was the eighth photo they had posed for, and a half hour is just too long to spend on trying to seem candid. Alexis prompted the kidnapped passerby to take one more shot. Her leg was thrown in the air in front of the group and being held up by James; Theresa and Mary were sporting LA Bloods gang signs, and everyone was wearing their brand new "Gone Squatching" trucker hats, Elyse's of course habitually tipped slightly to the side. Finally, the perfect picture. Alexis immediately tweeted, instagrammed, facebooked, and pinned the photo to anyone and everyone that was or was not pinterested. Little did they know this photo was capturing them all together for the very last time. Finally, the gang was ready to leave. They loaded up their camping gear, fresh underpants, months supply of coffee and passion fruit green tea, and coolers of raw meat, and hit the open road. Rachel was jazzing up the sound waves with some psychedelic KPOP and everyone settled down with fatty road trip snacks on their way to their rented Yurt in the heart of Squatch country. "So do you think there'll be one waiting for us when we get to the campground? I'll bet they like to sip lemonade in hammocks... maybe one will want to share his hammock with me." Rachel grew glassy-eyed at the very real possibility of a recreation of her favorite bigfoot-themed erotic novel. "Don't be silly Rachel," scoffed Theresa, "Squatches obviously prefer hot tubs to hammocks. Everyone knows that. They like how the hot water brings out the wet dog aroma of their luxurious fur." Everyone grew silent to contemplate the excitement of the trip. Amy and Ian were cuddling up in the backseat, telepathically sharing a wet day-dream of a double-stuft sandwich between two Squatches, complete with butt play and the biggest cock rings you ever saw. Suddenly, everyone awoke from their deepest and dirtiest thoughts when they heard a loud CRUNCH, CRUNCH, GRIND GRIND GRIND SQUEEEEEEK FIIIZzzzzz.... coming from the engine compartment of the Buick. "Oh no!" Elyse jumped out and popped the hood, examining the damage of her beloved piece-of-shit car. "It looks like the marshmallow patchwork on the crank rotator finally melted out. No one has any spare marshmallows, do they?" "Of course I brought marshmallows, this is a camping trip isn't it?" Laith replied. He pulled a bag of strawberry flavored peeps out of his cargo shorts. "Now get to work Elyse, we've still got at least four hour's drive ahead." "You ass hat!" Elyse exclaimed, "I can't patch the car with those! The red dye 82 will destroy the combustion filter cog tarnackish!" Elyse wrote Laith out of the story as punishment for his inability to foresee the needs of her imaginary mechanical problems, having nothing to do with the fact that she doesn't know him very well and cannot fairly portray his character. "Well, come on guys, I guess we'll have to foot it from here. Let's get going." James took initiative to rope the supplies to Adam's muscular, 7th in high school all state wrestling competition back and he began to lead the gang on a journey down a mysterious dark path through the woods of upper Michigan. Ian began a sing-a-long to keep the march on pace. "Yo... drop your glasses, shake your asses, face screwed up like you having hot flashes." The gang happily rapped along to the creative stylings of Eve for the next four hours. "Yo, you needa understand me daddy, I'm not your average baby girl OWWW" James cried out suddenly. He was clutching his nose in pain. The caravan halted and everyone started to laugh, being that there was nothing for him to run into. They had actually just come to a large clearing in the woods. James's eyes were still watering. Mary, however, was not laughing along with the rest of them. In fact, her skin had turned pale, and she was slowly backing away from the clearing. T-girl noticed something was amiss. "What's wrong Mary?" she inquired. "What is that thing?" Mary said shakingly. "Why did they build something like that here? I've never seen anything like it and it's making this weird humming noise. Guys, I don't like it, let's go." "What are you talking about Mary? All I see is a clearing." Wide-eyed Mary shook her head. "You don't see it? Oh shit, this is not good. Let's go, seriously, let's fucking get out of here. We don't want to be late for the Squatch orgy." Everyone started to turn back at the prospect of getting torn a new ass hole by giant Squatchasaurus cock, but Corey paused. "Wait guys, don't get distracted. Let's just think about this for a second." Alexis nodded in agreement. "Yeah, Mary, what do you mean? What's this you're saying about a weird humming noise? I'd like to investigate this further." Mary sighed, understanding now that she wouldn't be able to get out of explaining herself. "When I was ten years old, I had a dream. Or, I thought it was a dream at the time. In the dream, someone came into my bedroom while I was sleeping and shook me awake. They led me through a gap in the wall and suddenly I was in a room made of some material I'd never seen before... it looked exactly like the thing in front of us, actually. They took me to a room with some other kids and we took a standardized test." "Oh GOD NO!" Theresa suddenly looked sick, and Amy looked away. They couldn't imagine the horrors of having to take a test without warning or a chance for preparation. "After the test they took some of the kids and cut off their ears, toes, and fingers, and the rest of us were led away. When I woke up the next morning, I noticed a bump in my side. It went away two weeks later but I always wondered. Mary lifted up her shirt to reveal a small, almost invisible scar 4 inches south of her armpit, revealing a little side boob. Adam and Ian blushed as Corey twisted her nipple and everyone laughed again. "Well it's obvious where we need to go from here," said Rachel, "We need to force Mary to lead us to the doorway of this thing and explore what's inside!" Everyone stretched and reached forward until they found the invisible walls of the structure, and started feeling their way up and down for a seam, doorway, or latch of any kind. Mary stood away from them, hands kneading her forehead in frustration. "Mary, you little pisser, you can't stop this from happening, it's necessary for natural progression of the plot," said Corey. Mary hung her head and sighed but seemed to resign herself to what was the obvious truth. There was no going back now "It's this way you guys, follow me." Chapter Two: Down the Rabbit Hole Mary started to lead the gang around the circumference of the clearing. Unable to see the invisible instruments jutting out of the structure, James developed a black eye and Alexis burned her lip on something scalding hot. Mary easily dodged these but neglected to warn them out of spite. They all came to a halt when Mary suddenly put up her fist, like Tom Cruise sometimes does in action or spy movies. She put her finger to her lips and crouched low to the ground. "It looks like the guard is out, I'm not sure if we'll be able to get past them," said Mary. "What do they look like?" whispered Corey. "They're kind of like... well, they've got these big bubble helmets, and they move really slowly and deliberately. Kind like when engineers try to dance." Theresa and Ian exchanged glances. "But the masks are tinted like Beyoncé and Jay Z's limo so I can't really see their faces." "Buh haawh ah we gooh geh ibsigh?" asked Alexis. Elyse reached into her purse and grabbed one of her hand grenades. She pulled the pin with her teeth and tossed it 30 yards to the East. BLAMMO! Two seconds later there was a rustling as the underbrush parted in the direction of the explosion; the distraction had worked. Mary approached what must have been the entrance to the structure. Her eyes darted back and forth for a few moments, then she reached out her right index finger and tapped out a rhythm. There was a pneumatic hiss, and the glowing outline of a rectangular gap appeared. The invisible hatch slid away and everyone looked inside to a very visible hallway. "How did you know the password?" Said Theresa. "I got lucky. It was the default password, Corey's mom's birthday. Good thing they hadn't bothered to change it!" They all stepped inside, except for Adam. "Hey guys, I can't fit through that doorway with all this shit strapped to my back. We're gonna have to leave something behind" Everyone stared back at him and blinked. James sighed and stepped out of the structure, undid the rope and took off the raw meat, 80 of the 100 pounds of coffee, and the camping gear. "What the fuck James, that's not enough coffee to last us even til the end of today." Amy kicked James in the shins and Elyse delivered a round house to his head, giving him a second black eye. James retracted into the fetal position as everyone gathered around his shaking body, kicking and spitting on him until he lost consciousness. "Okay, jeez, we'll keep the fucking coffee," said Adam, as he picked up 60 more pounds and tied the rope in an elaborate boy scout knot. He stepped into the structure and everyone followed victoriously, except for James who limped after them sullenly. But he should have known to never fuck with anyone's coffee supply. "So we're inside! Now what?" The gang looked around at what appeared to be a well decorated foyer, complete with one of those antique furniture things that's a combination hat rack, bench, and has a mirror in it for some reason. It kind of reminded them of Hannah Smith's house. They all took off their shoes in respect for Hannah's mom, even though it wasn't actually her house and really just a subconscious fear of her wrath. Their bare feet felt good on the carpet, and everyone walked into the living room and sat in a circle. "Any brainstorms?" asked Corey. "We could look around for more of those people in the bubble helmets and see if they want to go to the Squatch orgy with us," said Ian and Amy in creepy unison. "Guys, give it up, we are so over that at this point," said Mary. Rachel looked to the carpet with tears in her eyes. "Let's see if there's a kitchen in this place, I'm kind of starving," said Adam. He got up and started walking away, assuming that everyone would follow him. They didn't. "How about we just explore and see if there's any trouble we can get ourselves into?" Said Elyse. "I lihhb thaaa ibeea. YOLO." Said Alexis. After a very short nap, everyone had a cup of coffee and took off to explore the rest of the structure. It wasn't long until the gang got lost, following the maze of narrow metal hallways until they reached a wall of dancing electric spider webs. Ian approached the wall, examining it closely. He reached out his hand to touch it but as soon as his finger crossed the web, ZAP! He flew 20 feet across the room and slammed into the other side, crumpling to the floor. "Well that was stupid," said Theresa. She reached to the side and flicked a light switch: the electric web immediately disappeared and the gang walked through the opening, Ian and James limping as quickly as they could after them. The hallway opened up to a gigantic opening, and laid out before them was the place in Star Wars where all the chancellors or delegates or whatever zip around on their floating podiums. "Well obviously Liam is the most bangable of the group, but come on, how could you possibly deny that Niall is the hottest on an overall scale?" "Frack you, everyone loves Liam and you're just an idiot." "I don't know why everyone always forgets Louis. He gets no love, I just wanna give him all the love in the world." "Frack you and frack Louis. Let's have a fracking vote. Everyone who votes for Liam raise your hand, and if you don't I'll fracking ionize you with my fracking laser gun." Everyone on the floating podiums raised their hand. The threatening Liam fan banged a gavel. "Motion passed. Liam Payne is slotted to be abducted next week and held in the sex dungeon for a sentence of 82 years. Next on the agenda..." "Hey, who the frack are those people?" The entire delegation swiveled their floating podiums towards the gang, and their surprised live image was portrayed on a giant super bowl screen right above the pepsi ad ribbon. "Oh shit," whispered Amy, "what do we do now?" I guess we'll have to find out next time, on Elyse's Story Page! Chapter Three: Sharknado, The Third One Adam wandered through the hallways until he found a red neon sign proclaiming something in a language he couldn't read. He walked in the door and the jingle bells twinkled lightly as it slammed behind him. He sat down on a stool at the counter and waited for someone to notice him. He mildly regretted abandoning all the raw meat outside; at least he would have had something to snack on. He heard the door jingle and moments later Rachel slid in beside him. She garbled something unintelligible and slapped the table; two chicken bacon snack wraps fell from a tube in the ceiling onto the counter in front of them. "So, what do you think of this place. Pretty wild, huh?" Said Rachel. Adam stared back at her, so distracted that he didn't immediately begin unwrapping the food. "How did you do that?" "What? Oh, uh... that's how the McDonalds in Quebec work, I was there last summer for a couple weeks. I just figured it would be the same." Adam squinted at her as he enjoyed his snack wrap. Something seemed a little off but he couldn't place his finger on it. "Well, one is not going to be nearly enough," he said. Rachel garbled something else and smacked the counter; eight Big Macs fell from the ceiling, along with a side of fries and a two large sodas. They finished up their meal and wandered further down the hallway. They didn't have to wander far until they came upon a large ornate cavern, with hundreds of pairs of people mulling about awkwardly like they were at a Sophie Lester party, if anyone ever showed up to those. That was kind of harsh, but it's a good metaphor for what was going on so Elyse didn't erase it. But she did want to let everyone know that she did consider backspacing, so people would know that she's not a total dick face. "So, hey guys... how's it going?" A couple had approached them and was attempting to make awkward small talk. "How've you been since the last council meeting?" "Oh, you know," said Rachel, not skipping a beat, "pretty good. Just like, chillin', working... normal shit. You know. How's uh... how's things?" "Yeah, haha... yeah," said the second person, "yeah, same with us, you know..." They all stared at their feet for a couple moments, as the first speaker awkwardly took a sip of his weird multicolored punch. "So, sorry, we forgot your names." Blurted Rachel. "Oh my god, good, we forgot yours too! That was almost super awkward! I'm Angel Poo and this is Lequandra. We're from Quarttron." "Right, I knew it was Angel something, haha! I'm Tim and this is Dingleberry. Sorry he's being so quiet, he's feeling kind of gassy." Rachel elbowed Adam and he coughed and sputtered. "Yeah, I had too much cheese this morning, I've kind of got the shits right now." "LOL I know how that goes," said Lequandra. The four of them started making the rounds slowly around the party, as Rachel aka Tim and Adam aka Dingleberry stealthily began to collect intel. They gathered that this was a council meeting held every two wuadlepecs (not helpful) and that today they were voting on the environmental protection status of velociraptors and wujicks. They were also nominating sex prisoners for the following wuadlepec. Tim and Dingleberry even got invited to this sick after party at Kimye's house. Apparently alien delegates worship American pop culture as much as the rest of Planet Earth. "Hey guys, come hang out in our floater during the meeting," said Lequandra, winking as she lifted her bellbottoms to reveal a flask hidden beneath. "We gon get crunk yo." The lights flickered and everyone filed slowly into the floaters, kind of like waiting for a seat on the Three Amigos ride at Disney World. Palpatine banged his gavel and everyone slowly settled down. "Alright everyone, we will begin as always with the galactical anthem, led today by sex prisoner Kevin Federline." A shaking, fat mess of a person approached the microphone, "3, 6, 9, damn she fine, let me see ya sock it to me one mo time," he croaked in a shaky voice. The rest of the delegation replied, "Get low... get low get low get low get low get low..." After a two hearty renditions of the song originally recorded by Lil Jon and the Eastside Boyz, the meeting commenced. Many important decisions were made including who was to bring the green bean casserole to the yearly summer picnic and to finally delete Steph's ex boyfriend from her facebook friends because girl, you don't need that heartbreak all day erry day. Tim and Dingleberry were really feeling the vibe of their new found friends; they both had fallen into their aliases naturally, Adam being very interested in politics and Rachel loving being in the center of everyone else's biznaaz. While they were heartily debating the main event of the night (who to elect for new sex prisoners), someone suddenly cried, "Hey, who the frack are those people?" Adam and Rachel's faces fell. It was their friends, who they had almost completely forgot about by now with the excitement of Kimye's party approaching. "Oh shit," whispered Rachel, "what do we do now?" "I have a plan," said Adam. "Just go with it, and follow my lead."